Sunday, May 17, 2009

Letting myself feel a little at a time.

I miss my house. I can think of so many reasons why I shouldn't be missing it, but right now, with people drinking and talking loudly out in the hall at an unthinkable hour this morning, I miss my house. Most of the other employees that are staying in this apartment complex are young, in the 18-21 range. So, I can understand that they are just blowing off steam from the week and having some weekend fun. But I just wish that I could put up a sign or put out a flier that informs them that there are 3 kiddos in the house trying to sleep and so is their overworked, stressed-out mother. And to please BE QUIET!

The first sign I had that I was feeling the pangs of separation from my house was when we visited the library. I wandered through the aisles, familiarizing myself with the layout, and I stumbled on the home decorating/design section. Normally, I would plant myself on the floor and peruse each shelf in this section, load up on at least 7 or 8 books and enjoy them slowly at home. I would search eagerly through the pages to find some new inspiration, interesting color palette or unique space-saving technique to apply to my own home. As I stared down the long shelves of the decorating books, it hit me...hard. I don't have a house any more, no home to decorate, to paint the walls whatever color I choose. I can't even hang a picture in our place without fearing a fine. What would be the point of checking out any of those books? It would just be a reminder of what I no longer have. And, for the first time, the weight, the heaviness of what we have been and are going through settled on my chest and heart. I have not let myself feel the full weight of it, I have not let myself wallow. But for that moment in the library, I did. And all I could do was shake my head in acknowledgement of my pain and move on to the next aisle...which was gardening. Not much better, but getting there.

4 comments:

Heidi said...

I'm sorry. This must be hard. It's good to let yourself feel it - the weight of it. Even if it's only for a moment.

Thinking of you...

Bryan and Whitney said...

*Hugs for you*

I don't think there would be any problem with putting a sign out. The cousin I am closest with and also a dear friend of ours do alarm sales during the summer, and I think they would respect a notice like the one you suggested. It's worth a try. Chances are they don't even realize what a significant problem they were creating.

Alisha H. said...

You are so amazing! Best of luck with the crazy neighbors! Hopefully things will jump back on the good luck train for you again and sunshine will be coming! It is ok to feel the stress of life, but i do admire how you handle everything and don't dwell on it! Enjoy your adventures out there!

Sierra Prina said...

thought id comment and add you to my blog list! Im sad about this post. Im sorry you are having a hard time. Please dont hesitate to ask for anything from me. Seriously! Good thing the noise outside stopped. That was so annoying.
P.s. im still thinking about those amazing cookies. I need the recipe!